Saturday, 16 February 2013

Jericho Blues-a sample

JERICHO BLUES

For those of you who are waiting on the sequel to Border Town Blues, here for you is a taster from Jericho Blues. If you do read it leave a comment telling me your opinions. Thanks.


Chapter 2
 

Twenty minutes after the explosion, we regrouped in downtown Roanoke, at Martins All Night Bar and Grill. I took my Detonics MTX-H .45 from the lock box in the van, and secured it in the modified Talon holster under my jacket. I felt human again now I had changed out of my mission clothes, and not so naked without my new favourite handgun. I had fallen in love with the Detonics pistol during training. The Combat-Master Mick Rix, an ex Navy Seal had provided us trainees with a variety of handguns to choose from, our final choice would be our permanent issue sidearm.
I fell in love with the Detonics right away, with little recoil, and ten in the mag plus one in the barrel it was ideal.
After getting us all my prescribed medicine for shock, Jack and Coke, we found a booth near the rear of the half empty bar, I made sure we were facing the window though. It had been a night of shock and surprises; I wasn't in the mood for anymore crap.
We were all silent for a few minutes sipping our drinks. Clark had been with Unit more or less since its inception, so I was hoping he had some idea on what our next move was.
“So, Mr Clark, what are the protocols for this situation . . . You know when the only man in the Government knows of your existence is dead, and the rest of the workforce has been wiped out?”
“There are several agents still out in the field, we have to go to ground for forty eight hours, then there is a number to call, it’s secure, and whoever answers will make arrangements to bring us in.”
“Fuck me, my question was rhetorical, you mean they actually prepared for this?”
“Oh yes, dear boy, forewarned and all that.”
“So, what are we supposed to do for forty eight hours?” Jamie raised an eyebrow as she spoke.
Clark shook his head, “Whatever, just stay off the grid, no contact with anyone, and definitely no showing out,”
“Good lets get pissed then, I haven’t had a good sesh in two months.”
“No, we need to stay sober, we need to work out who targeted us; and fast, before they come after us again.”
I looked at Clark, “When we get back to the van, you work your magic on those gizmos of yours, and see what info you can come up with.”
I took out the flash drive from the pocket of my jacket, and passed it across the table to him.
“I wanna see what’s on this as well.”
“Where on earth did you get that?”
“I took it from the Senators safe.”
“Dalton, that was against mission regs!”
“So sack me, the point is moot now, I had a gut feeling it may be important.”
Clark disappeared the flash drive, and we made small talk while finishing up our drinks. We were just about to leave when I saw a strange sight outside the large pane glass window of the bar. Four M1A1 Abrams battle tanks, followed by six canvas covered trucks rolled by the bar.
“What the hell, they called the army out on us now!” Jamie downed her drink, and headed for the door, Clark and I followed behind her.
“I don’t think this is to do with us, it’s something else,” I said when we caught up with her on the sidewalk outside.
We looked up the street to see one of the tanks had parked by the intersection, the others had moved on. One of the trucks had disgorged its load of troops who were setting up saw horse barriers, and piling up sandbags. This was a checkpoint of some kind.
“Let us get out of here; I know somewhere we can lay low.” Clark headed across to the van parked on the opposite side of the road. I took one last look at the checkpoint then moved to join him.
We headed across town, Clark had a house on Timber view Drive, outside Hanging Rock, and buried on a hill shielded by trees. During the journey we saw more Military vehicles, and check points being erected. This was quite scary, I could understand a mobilisation of law enforcement after the assassination of the president, but what we were witnessing as we drove through the streets of Roanoke, was nothing less than Martial Law being put into place.
“We need to find out what is happening,” I said as I turned on the radio. I dialled through the frequencies, but all I got was static, or a tone similar to what you get when you dial a disconnected number.
“Oh dear, that is not good,” Clark said, as he directed the van onto North Electric Road taking us towards Hanging Rock, a small township where a large battle was once fought in 1864, becoming a Confederate victory. Union General David Hunter, notorious for his hatred of slave-holding states, was driven to retreat.  Here’s hoping we would be safe, up here in the hills surrounding Roanoke, and would not have to fight the second Battle on the rock.
“Why’s that?” Jamie asked.
“That tone we are hearing, someone is using a powerful jammer to block radio signals.”
“Looks like somebody somewhere does not want people knowing anything,” I looked ahead of us, we were approaching the State Route 630 flyover bridge, dawn was breaking, the sky was taking on a lighter hue. For us though we were approaching dark waters, the Military had set up a checkpoint on the bridge. Two machine guns barricaded behind sandbags covered the approaching traffic. Ten heavily armed National Guard soldiers operated the checkpoint.
Clark applied the breaks, and we came to a stop four cars away.
The lead car's trunk was open. Soldiers peering in. The owner stood on the verge with another soldier. He looked nervous.
“What do we do if they want to search our van?” Jamie whispered.
“Don’t panic, I got it covered,” Clark reached into the glove compartment and after a brief search, he pulled out a leather ID wallet.
“Tonight Mathew, I am going to be Major General Thomas Buckner, goin’ a huntin’ with his daughter and son in law.”
Despite the gravity of the situation, we cracked up laughing; old Clarky gave us the best South American accent I had ever heard come out of the mouth of a posh boy.
“Where the hell did that come from?”
“Eton Boys Theatre, I was Rhett Butler on many occasions, dear boy.”
We silently watched the events before us.
One of the soldiers pulled out a plastic bag.  He showed it to the driver. For a moment the tableau was frozen. Then all hell broke loose.  The driver punched the soldier next to him. He took off, sprinting down the line of cars. Another soldier stepped forward. He lifted his weapon. The runner drew level with us. Crack!  The driver went sprawling, his brains exploding out of the front of his head as the 5.56 slugs tore through his skull..
Jamie flinched, grabbing my arm.
“What the fuck!”
“Do not react, either of you,” Clark told us in the most serious voice I had ever heard him use.
He climbed out of the van as the shooter approached. The soldier pointed his M16 at Clark.
“Return to your vehicle sir, this don’t concern you!”
“You bet your gosh darn boots it does soldier,” he said. His voice stern, and commanding.
“What kind of army are you in that don’t salute in the presence of a superior officer?”
The soldier looked unsure. He looked back at his buddies then at Clark.
“I’m Major General Thomas Buckner, and you salute me boy!”
Clark stepped over and jammed his ID in the soldiers face. He went red, and nearly dropped his rifle, as he gave the clumsiest salute I had ever seen.
“What the fuck orders have you been given, that gives you the right to shoot civilians, and from behind no less.”
Another of the soldiers came forward, he bore the insignia of a Sargent, so I took him to be the one in charge. Clark continued to harangue the pair of them.
I had to give him his due, for a techno geek, he was showing some big brass ones.
After a bit more apoplexy from the fake Major General, where at one point I was sure he was going to slap the both of them, he returned to the van, and climbed back behind the wheel.
“My work here is done,” he sighed.
I shook my head, and watched the pair return to the checkpoint. A soldier moved the dead man's car out of the way, and the little jam that had formed was waved through the checkpoint.
“I don’t know what you said to them but it seems to have worked.”
“They have been ordered to shoot anyone who resists them, in any way shape, or form, something is rotten in the state of Denmark!”
“I don’t know about Denmark, something queer is going on here as well,” I felt Jamie shiver as we passed the hard faced soldiers.
We travelled for another ten minutes before pulling up in front of a run down stone and clapboard three storey house, set back from the road, and surrounded by Aspen and Beech trees. We climbed out of the van and I stretched, and yawned, I needed a shower and some kip.
Clark threw me a set of keys.
“You two go make yourselves at home, I am going to get to work, see if I can find out what is going on.”
“Clarky, you need to get some rest, we have been awake all night.”
“I need to do this first, I will not sleep otherwise, dear boy.”
He disappeared into the back of the van. I shrugged, and Jamie and I trudged up to the front door.
“Bagsy I get first go in the shower,” Jamie grabbed the keys out of my hand, and ran the rest of the way to the door.
“Be my guest, I’ll see if I can’t rustle us up some coffee.”
Jamie unlocked the front door, and we stepped into a large room. With a Cathedral ceiling, and a balcony, overlooking the room. A breakfast bar separated the room from the kitchen area. One wall, dominated by a floor to ceiling log burning fireplace. The furniture was old, but functional. A flight of stairs led up to the balcony, and the upper floors.
She disappeared upstairs, and I set about making a brew. While waiting for the kettle to boil, I crossed the room and switched on the TV. We had only been out of the loop news wise for twenty four hours, how had so much changed in that time? The only reason I could see from the amount of Military on the streets,  the country was under attack, or massive civil unrest. This was Roanoke though; the only unrest here would come from the local sewing circle.
I dialled through the channels, all seemed to be showing reruns of old shows. The news channels, all of them, stated they were ‘having technical problems and normal service would resume shortly’.
I switched off the TV, and returned to the kitchen. Made the brews, then thought about what had happened to us over the last few hours. What I could not get out of my head, how the chopper team found us. The only people who knew our location were those in the hub. No information existed outside, nothing on paper or in a computer file somewhere.
A mole, there had to be a mole within the Unit, feeding information back to whoever our enemies turned out to be.
I took a sip of my coffee, and gazed out the kitchen window, at a small overgrown garden. The list could not be that huge, we had only become operational a week ago, and in that week there had been one ‘happy accident’. Something else was niggling me, and had been since joining up with this outfit. Any number of clandestine agencies could have done the job we were doing, I had a feeling the Unit's purpose was more than I or Jamie had been told. I made a mental note to question Clarky.
Jamie disturbed my thoughts, returning fresh faced from her shower, and smelling of flowers. She grabbed her coffee.
“I was thinking about those mugs that attacked us,” she said after taking a sip of her coffee.
“And me, I think there was a mole in Unit, the only thing I can come up with, no else knew where we were.”
“That’s what I thought, but what if they tracked our position by the van?”
“What do you mean?”
“All of Units vehicles are fitted with a GPS tracking device, maybe that was how?”
“Shit!”
I made for the front door. Clark came tumbling in before I reached it.
“We have company!”
“How many?” I asked as I drew my weapon.
“Six, they have barricaded the end of the road off, I was keeping a watch on our surroundings while I worked.”
“Soldiers?”
“Some kind of Special Forces I think. They are dressed all in black, wearing gas masks.”
I looked through the window at the side of the door. Nothing moved outside.
“Have you got any weapons here?”
He crossed to a cabinet under the balcony, and reached underneath. He retrieved a Glock 26 and tossed it to Jamie.
“Okay, you two upstairs.”
“Where you gonna be?” Jamie checked her weapon had a full mag.
“Outside, I’m gonna show these mugs a bit of Brit grit!”
I took another look, before I opened the door. I stepped out, and ran for the Van. Dropping to the ground, I rolled underneath.
From my prone position I could see the front of the house on one side, and on the other, part of the road leading to the house. No sign of life as yet. I knew that would not last.
When we had arrived, the birds had been singing in the trees. Silence reigned now.
And here they came.
Six black clad bodies, armed with Heckler and Koch machine pistols. They moved, silent, bent legged up the road. As if by some unspoken signal, four split from the group. Two going to the left of the house, the others to the right. Once again we had a professional hit team coming for us. The remaining four moved around the van. I had to time this right. I edged over so I could see them better. They were mugs, not one paid any attention to the Van. In a combat situation, never assume, assume makes an ass out of you and me; I had the phrase drilled into me so many times; it became a mantra to put me to sleep at night.
One of the assassins pulled a gas grenade from his utility belt and pulled the pin. Now the time was right. I put a round in his ankle, half blowing off his booted foot. He collapsed, dropping the grenade.
I closed my eyes and held my breath. The explosion was deafening close by.
Rolling out from under, I shot the other three. The gas filled the area in front of the house. The man I had shot in the ankle was screaming, I ripped off his gas mask, and put it on. Remaining in the centre of the cloud, I squatted and waited. The other four appeared, weapons ready. The gas cloud was too thick for them to see me. They came, weapons up, and in a combat crouch, paying more attention to the house: assuming again.
I took them out, double tap, one after the other. The only one left alive was ankle boy, and he was gagging and puking. I put him out of his misery with a shot to the head.
I know I could have questioned him, but it would be a waste of time, professionals never give up their secrets, especially in the limited time we had.
There were still the goons up at the road block. That would be a simple job.
I banged on the door and called out to Jamie, letting her know it was safe. The cloud had dissipated in the slight wind that had picked up.
They emerged from the house; Jamie had her weapon at the ready.
“You took your time, getting slow Jimmy?”
Clark looked at the bodies with distaste.
“Did you get them all?”
“We still have the boys up at the barricade, time for me to do some play acting.”
While Jamie played lookout, Clark helped me to strip one of the bodies, and I changed into his uniform. After depositing my clothes in the back of the van, I told them to be ready to move on my word, I was still wearing the throat Mic so Jamie would have to drive while Clark rode in the rear.
They had used two Humvees to blockade the road, two black clad troopers leaned against one of them. I approached casually, like I belonged.
The two moved away from the Humvee.
“Is the job done, you get ‘em?”
I nodded, and gave a thumbs up. Before they could say, or do anything else, I opened up with the machine pistol. With looks of shock, they both bounced off the Humvee, and fell dead to the ground. I moved fast. Putting the bodies in one of the vehicles before driving it off the road. I called Clark. Thirty seconds later they rolled up, and I clambered aboard. Jamie informed me she had disabled the tracking device, so that should give us some breathing space.
We had survived the second battle of Hanging Rock, but were still no closer to finding out who was coming after us, unless Clark had found something with his gizmos, and gadgets. That would have to wait because we had to find somewhere else to hole up.






Interlude 2




  

Statement from President Lecompte
Location Oval Office April 7th 2014
People of the United States of America, it is with great sorrow I stand before you today, making this, my first address to you.  I have only just learned an evil has befallen the city of San Francisco. Despite all our efforts to safeguard you the people, terrorists have detonated several dirty bombs. The death toll is massive, and for all purposes, the city has been wiped off the map. The resulting explosions triggered a failing of the San Andreas Fault; earthquakes have been widespread and ongoing, hampering the efforts of emergency responders.
Reports are also coming in of dirty bomb explosions in several other cities around the globe.  Notably Manchester, England, Paris France, Sydney, Australia and Moscow.  So far no one has claimed responsibility, but all intelligence is focused on finding these monsters.
This is a colossal tragedy to befall our country, and the world, ever. But mark my words; our anger at these atrocities is biblical. The perpetrators and those who give them their orders will be hunted down like dogs. We are now on a war footing, and as such hard decisions will have to be made, law-abiding citizens will have nothing to fear. Those who pose a threat to our way of life I give you this message, run, because we are coming for you. There is no place for you to hide, we will find you, and have our justice.
The ten regional security sectors are now all in place, and governors have been appointed. Each governor will be answerable only to my Office; all Police within these sectors will be subsumed into the Military force providing security within the sectors. Travel will only be allowed with the special passes, provided at the Fusion offices. I beg all of your indulgence during these dark times. We must all stand together, and I ask you to trust me to protect you during this transfiguration. Unfortunately, and with the agreeance of the Senate, and Congress, I have suspended the Constitution as pursuant to Article One. This historical unusual move, which I know will be unpopular with many of you, is vital in our pursuit of the threat that faces us all. This will mean it is now illegal for anyone other than the security forces to own a weapon. Firearm Revocation Centres will be in place for you to deposit your weapons, your details will be held on file, and once the situation returns to normal you will get your weapons back. Please fully cooperate with this mandate, as any dissent will be seen as resistance against the common good and dealt with accordingly. Gatherings of any kind are henceforth prohibited. A curfew will be in place countrywide from 20 00 hrs. Until 0700, a special curfew pass can be obtained from your local Fusion Centre.  A full list of the new mandates will be broadcast after this message.
A special meeting of the United Nations will take place in New York in two days’ time, this is a global threat we face not just a threat to our country. The leaders of all nations will be in attendance, and by the end we hope to have a solution to the threat, a solution which will lead us to a new world order, a world of peace and prosperity.  For now, god blesses the United States, and peace to you all.

Angel Fire Radio Broadcasting on 256 KHz

Location unknown.

It’s seven PM, and you’re listening to old Cootie Nordstrom on AFR 256, coming at you wall to wall and treetop tall, as my old Pappy used to say back in the day when he rode the big rigs up in Kane-a-da; that’s Canada to you folks.
Did yawl see President Incompte on the ‘lactic box tonight, I tell you I am terrified of what is to come, heck takin’ all our weapons away. This country was built on our rights to bear arms, how the heck we gonna defend ourselves when these terrorists come a knockin’ on our door. I’ll tell you this for a nickel, old Cootie ain’t relinquishing his guns, they’ll have to pry ‘em from my dead hands first. I have a feelin’ the ‘spiracy theorists will be rubbing their hands and sayin’ I told ya so, he’s talkin’ ‘bout a new world order, didn’t  we tell you?
Folks, I heard about a little town near Charleston, the army boys went in there, and rounded everyone up, all because the town’s folk protested, and spoke out against President Incompte. I do believe they are on their way to one of the so-called Residential Centre’s operated by FEMA. These are prison camps folks, prisons for you and me. And not because we have committed any crimes, you don’t need to have done anythin’, to be sent here, all you need to do is be a threat to the status quo of this new world order.
Well old Cootie is gonna say no, loud and proud, I ain’t gonna be a licking dog to the jackboots of your oppression . . . The revolution starts here! I didn’t fight in Nam for this to happen to my country. If yawl feels the same come stand with old Cootie, ‘cause I can see where we’re heading, I hope yawl can see too. Cootie is going to be the back-beat to the revolution, stay tuned for more information, we are going to have to move again after the show tonight but hopefully we will be back, come in at cha tomorrow night. Time for some Muzak now, ‘n old Cooties got a rare treat for you, a young girl called Roxanne Gunn, she sent in a demo tape, I gotta say she rocks, here’s Roxie with Running Home!



Thursday, 14 February 2013

ANDREW SCORAH'S WRITING WORLD

ANDREW SCORAH'S WRITING WORLD

A Very British Blog 2013



A VERY BRITISH BLOG 2013







Welcome to A VERY BRITISH BLOG TOUR 2013 – a collection of blogs, books and authors who are surprisingly very British.


  Paul Anthony invited me to take part in ‘A Very British Blog’ by visiting and supporting the websites of authors involved in the tour and who are dedicated to turning out some of the finest books available in Britain today.
Each author named at the bottom of the page has  been asked the same questions but the answers will obviously all be different. You merely click on the author’s name at the bottom of the page to see how they have answered the same question.
By the way, we British have certain conventions, traditions, and procedures that are expected. There is a dress code in the reading of this British blog and you are expected to comply with it.
For example… NB… (You may chuckle if you wish)
Gentlemen will wear suits, white shirts and dark ties. (Military ties are expected wherever possible). Ladies will wear dresses (one inch above the knee, no higher, no lower) and floral summer hats. A break for TEA and cucumber sandwiches is expected at some stage and is permissible. The list at the bottom the page is not a queue. We British hate queues and will accept them no longer. It is an invitation and you are expected to accept that invitation and support the home-grown product. Now then, let us proceed in an orderly fashion. As you know, we are all very boring and staid in Britain, aren’t we?
Well, there’s a myth about the British and your starter for ten Stuffy, class conscious, boring, staid! But is this still relevant in today’s world? Let’s find out from our wonderful writers what they feel about it.
So, without further ado, here are the questions from THE VERY BRITISH WRITER:

To Andrew Scorah
Q. Where were you born and where do you live at the moment?
A.I was born in Doncaster, a town in South Yorkshire in 1965. I lived in Doncaster until I met my fiancée Lisa in 1999. She was from Swansea originally, after a bad bought of homesickness we moved to Swansea.

 Q. Have you always lived and worked in Britain or are you based elsewhere at the moment?
 A. I have always lived in the UK, apart from the usual trips to sunnier climbs for holidays, you know the usual Spanish destinations.

Q. Which is your favourite part of Britain?
A. I love the rugged beauty of the Gower coast down here in Wales, it’s visual poetry and abundance of wild life and history. Stretching from the Loughor Estuary in the North to Swansea Bay, no wonder it was designated an area of natural beauty. I can see how Dylan Thomas drew so much inspiration from the area.

Q. Have you ‘highlighted’ or ‘showcased’ any particular part of Britain in your books? For example, a town or city; a county, a monument or some well-known place or event?
A. My book Homecoming Blues is set in London and ends in Hastings, all the locations exist though some are changed a little to suit the story line. You do get a glimpse at the darker side of London, the side the casual tourist never views.

Q. There is an illusion – or myth if you wish - about British people that I would like you to discuss. Many see the ‘Brits’ as ‘stiff upper lip’. Is that correct?
A. You see in a lot of movies especially from back in the day, the archetypical image of the British character, a person who spoke the Queens English. Every word pronounced correctly in a clipped no nonsense manner. I for one have never heard anyone in real life speak this way, it’s a nonsense perpetrated by filmmakers and the films were possible the only contact with a British person people abroad would have. I don’t know maybe back then people from elite schools, Eton, Oxford etc did speak this way. I prefer to think the ‘stiff upper lip’ pertains more to our indomitable spirit, especially through the two world wars, never giving up striving through adversity, the Bulldog breed.

Q. Do any of the characters in your books carry the ‘stiff upper lip’? Or are they all ‘British Bulldog’ and unique in their own way?
A. No, if you said to my main character that he had a stiff upper lip, he would probably give you a fat lip of your own. He comes from a working class background, but has unique traits and values all his own.

Q. Tell us about one of your recent books?
A. I published Bordertown Blues on Amazon a few months ago, this is the sequel to Homecoming Blues. The book follows my main characters Jimmy Dalton and Jamie Duggan who are on the run in America, after the events at the end of Homecoming. They find themselves in Ajo, a town near the Mexican border. After being recognised by an eagle-eyed official of a shadowy Government agency, one of the Alphabet Companies, they are coerced into travelling across the border to locate some missing agents. They uncover a plot by Al-Qaeda to infiltrate the US and unleash biological weapons at various locations. What ensues, is a race against time through the wilds of Mexico and Arizona to put a stop to this plot. Homecoming was only meant to be a one off book, but the response I received from those who read it cried out for a sequel or two. Both books are fast paced thrillers, like a rollercoaster of death and destruction, with a few twists and turns of course.

Q. What are you currently working on?
A. Currently, I am working on a book called Jericho Blues, which is the third in the Dalton series. Dalton and Jamie face their biggest threat yet. They go up against a shadowy cartel of elite families who have secretly been pulling the strings of history for over a thousand years, their aim total world domination. Alongside a rag tag bunch of individuals, they fight back. It’s another fast paced thrill fest. JB is actually a merging with another story I was working on a couple of years ago about a mind-controlled assassin, the opening is taken directly from that story.

Q. How do you spend your leisure time?
A. I like to spend my leisure time with family, doing the usual family stuff, love music and my secret indulgence is Karaoke, queue the groans, ha ha! What can I say, I love to sing, it’s the frustrated Rock Star in me.  

Q. Do you write for a local audience or a global audience?
A. I write for who ever want to read my work, I write because I enjoy writing, if I ever make any money out of it then that is a bonus.

Q. Can you provide links to your work?
A. Of course, here they are.
Andrew Scorah’s blogsite
Andrew Scorah’s Amazon Uk page.
Andrew Scorah’s Amazon.com page
Andrew Scorah’s Lulu page (printed copies only)
Andrew Scorah’s Facebook Page

To see how our other authors responded, click on an author’s name below.
1. Clive Eaton
2.Paul Anthony
3. Nicholas Rose
4. Diane Major
5. Rags Daniels .
6. Bob Atkinson
7. Danny Kemp
8. Pandora Poikilos
9. John Hanley 
10. Andrew Peters 
11.Tim Vicary
12 Andy Szpuk
13. Alex Sumner
14. Maria Savva
15. Terry Tyler












Sunday, 3 February 2013

AUTHORS DATABASE

Under the auspices of the group ASMSG (http://asmsgbooks.wordpress.com/) I came across something called the Authors Database. This is a platform for all authors, whether you be Indie or trad published to list everything about you and your work. You can have links to all the platforms you publish with, whether it be Kobo, Smashwords or Amazon. Your links to Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads or whatever platform you use can be added. This is a fantastic place for authors and readers and all free of charge.
Here's the blurb about what they are, and what they do.

AUTHORS DATABASE


We are a dedicated website that helps authors for free.  Why free ? We have a few Angels who simply want to see authors flourish.
"There are very few places where authors are able to add their information, one time, including promoting links to buy their books on all bookseller platforms. A place where authors continue to write while expert SEO people can assist in Social Media Marketing for free.  Authors need an unbiased place to shout out about their creative works without 'big brother's' controlwithout fear of loosing to unknown algorithms."
-Angel Investor-
AUTHORSdB uses software that engages search engines in a friendly manner.  As an AUTHORSdB author you can enjoy the benefits:
  • Organic (non-paid) Google backlinks are critical to any Social Media Marketing.  There is no guarantee however authors on AUTHORSdB are enjoying being indexed in Google in less than 24 hours.  See for yourself.  Google search:  site:authorsdb.com and see if your listing comes up.
  • Share. Share. Share. In the new world of Social Media Marketing, sharing on social platforms helps gain exposure to our authors.  When an author is listed, we tweet @[author name] #gotlisted NEW AUTHORSdB Pls RT [link back to author details]  We also Like author's facebook pages and when liked back, we share something from the authors Facebook page.  (Must have a Twitter and Facebook page to qualify)
  • TOP10 AUTHORSdB.  The more views you receive on your author details page, the more you climb to the TOP10 list.  Announced every Friday. @[author name] AUTHORSdB TOP10 & is currently #1 Pls RT [link back to author details]
  • TOP1 Sociable AUTHORSdB  will receive a free banner for one week.  Announced every Friday.  Tweet & Facebook @[author name] TOP1 Socialble AUTHORSdB FREE BANNER  Pls RT [link back to author details]  To qualify you must be one of the TOP10 authors and the author with the most social media actions (Likes, Tweets, etc)
  • Featured Author is a random author is selected via our database to receive a FREE banner for one week. Announced every Friday.
  • We like when author's share the word about AUTHORSdB on their blogs.  We have an VIP Blogger Award for bloggers who blog about AUTHORSdB.  As well, bloggers are entered into a weekly draw for a FREE banner. Announced every Friday.
Like our Facebook page and we will share a post from you on ours.


 Here is a link to my page on the site.
http://www.authorsdb.com/index.php/component/content/article/8-authors/312-andrew-scorah
So if you are an author who wants to up their profile or a reader who wants to find new stuff, head on over and check out the database, there is bound to be gold hidden in there somewhere.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

How to Annoy a Jobsworth

 If you are like me, you hate Job worthy bureaucrats well I came across this article in the Daily Mail. I thought it was hilarious, and deserved to be shared on my blog, sadly the book is out of print now maybe an updated version should be created. Anyway here it is the article in full, maybe it will give you some ideas if you ever come across the modern version of what Sir Patrick Moore called Twitmarshes.

Sir Patrick Moore, who died earlier this month aged 89, is best remembered as the motor-mouthed frontman of television’s longest running show with the same presenter, The Sky At Night on BBC1.
But the astronomer and entertainer had another side, as a self-appointed scourge of bureaucracy.
In 1981, under the pen-name R. T. Fishall, he published an irreverent guide to causing havoc and taking vengeance on the people who were burying Britain under paperwork and tying the country up in red tape.
The book, now sadly out of print, was called Bureaucrats: How To Annoy Them, and it was inspired by a correspondence with a man named Whitmarsh from the Southern Gas Company, who had sent Moore a final demand for £10 of repairs, despite the fact that the central heating at his cottage in Selsey, West Sussex, was oil‑fired.
The great astronomer snapped. He realised that Britons everywhere were being harangued, overcharged, harassed, bullied and driven to distraction by the Whitmarshes of this world — or Twitmarshes, as he renamed them.
‘We are not ruled directly by Parliament,’ he wrote, ‘but by minor officials — bureaucrats of all descriptions, safely embraced in the arms of the civil service, with immunity from dismissal and nice, inflation-proof pensions.’
The dedication of the book made his intentions clear: ‘To all bureaucrats and civil servants, everywhere. If this book makes your lives even the tiniest bit more difficult, it will have been well worth writing.’
Here, in blistering extracts, he sets out his manifesto ...

Ten commandments for bureaucrat bashing
1. Never say anything clearly. When writing to jobsworths and timeservers, word your letter so that it could mean almost anything…or nothing.
2. Don’t be legible. Always write letters by hand, and make your verbose scrawl as impenetrable as possible.
3. Garble your opponent’s name. Misread the signature. If the correspondence is signed ‘M. Harris’, address your reply to ‘N. Hayes’ or ‘W. Hardy’. Don’t get too flippant though — the penpushers might lack a sense of humour, but if you write to ‘M. Hedgehog’, they will sense a legpull.
4. Give fake references. If you have a letter from the tax office, ref: EH/4/PNG/H8, mark your reply with some other code in the same format, such as DC/5/IMH/R9. This should ensure that the taxman wastes minutes, or hopefully hours, rooting for a file that doesn’t exist.
5. The same goes for dates. Get them slightly wrong, every time.
Stamp away: And make sure it's in the wrong place
Stamp away: And make sure it's in the wrong place
6. Follow up your fakes. Write to request a reply to letters that you haven’t sent, and include bogus reference numbers. This is a surefire timewaster and might even, if your Twitmarsh is of a sensitive disposition, reduce him to tears.
7. Never pay the right amount. Include a discrepancy in every envelope — never too much, but always more than a few pence. A sum between £1.20 and £2.80 is recommended. Then you can start an interminable correspondence to reclaim the overpayment (or dispute the underpayment).
8. When enclosing a cheque, staple it to the letter. With two staples. Or three. Right in the middle of the cheque. At the least, you’ll waste someone’s time — at best, you might wreck their computer.
9. As a point of honour, never give up on a correspondence before at least six pointless letters have been exchanged. Think big and aim for double figures.
10. If a postage-paid envelope is not supplied by your Twitmarsh, send off your reply without a stamp. The bureaucrats will have to pay much more at the other end.
Stamp with fury
By way of a variation on point 10, you could put the wrong postage on, in the wrong place.
One man who got into a war of letters with the Royal Mail itself persisted in sticking his stamp right in the middle of the envelope. This makes it difficult for the franking machines.
This petty but effective tactic riled every official in the postal hierarchy, right up to the district chief manager. He wrote to the rebel, warning him never to stick a stamp anywhere but the top right‑hand corner of the envelope.
By return came an envelope with the stamp dead centre, and a little rhyme enclosed: ‘Hey diddle diddle, the stamp’s in the middle.’
Grease is the word
Endless invention can be employed, providing you follow the Fundamental Rules.
For example, when filling in a form, always keep a candle handy. Whenever you come to a box marked ‘For official use only — do not write in this space’, rub the candle gently over the box. A thin layer of grease will make it impossible for your Twitmarsh to write on the paper, and might muck up his ballpoint, too.
When filing in forms, do not feel obliged to use English. Why not employ that smattering of Spanish you picked up on your holidays, or the residue of schoolroom French from your third-year days?
If you or a friend speak a really obscure language, so much the better — especially one that doesn’t use the Roman alphabet.
Nothing makes Twitmarsh’s brow perspire more freely than the sight of a form filled out in squiggly script. Do the first page in Russian, the second in Chinese and the third in Hindi.
For extra marks, find someone who speaks Klingon, the language of Star Trek’s aliens.  
Tax the Taxman
Public enemy No 1, of course, is Twitmarsh the Taxman.
The inland revenue strives to give the impression of a service staffed by kindly, conscientious, basically decent officials who are doing their jobs efficiently and who are always ready to help and advise.
Alas, this is not always the case. Sometimes one encounters a real maggot.
The tax inspector, unfortunately, occupies an unassailable position. He can persecute his victims to the point of breakdown — that’s his job.
Confusion is the solution: An annoyed civil servant equals a job well done
Confusion is the solution: An annoyed civil servant equals a job well done
It sometimes seems that the tax office is staffed by specially selected sadists. Take Twitmarsh of the VAT office. He has everything to gain by pursuing excessive demands, and nothing to lose. It isn’t his money at stake, and the worst that can happen is a gentle reprimand from the ombudsman, who has all the ferocity of a raspberry blancmange.
He must be fought. Have no mercy. Bombard him with convoluted enquiries, in bad handwriting and worse English. Scatter invented Latin phrases throughout — my favourite is the schoolboy motto, ‘Itisapis potitis andatino ne’ (I’m not going to translate it, but you can work out the meaning if you move the spaces around).
The reply you receive will probably be terse. Leave things for a few days, and then send a photocopy of exactly the same letter, requesting a reply. You needn’t say that it has already been answered — that will only dawn on Twitmarsh after he has wasted more time.
Another useful tip is to send the tax man, out of the blue, a small cheque (or better still, a postal order) for which he hasn’t asked. Make it a really trifling sum, say £7.86 — certainly no more than a tenner.
Enclose a grumpy letter, to the effect that you really can’t understand why this piffling sum is being demanded but that of course you will pay, as ordered.
If the cheque is returned, write back, demanding to know why the tax office requested it in the first place, and whether they have nothing better to do but waste your time. Be sure to add bogus reference numbers in the appropriate format — that really sends them running in circles.
When you pay your next genuine tax demand, be sure to hold back that £7.86, with a note reminding Twitmarsh that you have already paid.
When eventually it is decided that you still, in fact, owe that money, jumble up the numbers on the cheque – send them £6.87, or £8.76. Then send a letter querying the discrepancy. Repeat ad infinitum.
The revenue offices never stop complaining that their staff are overworked and their departments underfunded. Unless something is done to alleviate the crisis, they insist, the entire tax system could break down.
This is your goal. Never cease to dream.
Jobsworths’  jargon and what  it really means
Do not be fooled by the conciliatory tone of a bureaucrat. The Twitmarsh is at his most dangerous when using bland officialese. Study the following guide to official jargon:
Your letter has been carefully considered and its contents noted = I haven’t looked at it.
A full survey of the problem has been put in hand = Nothing will be done.
I assure you that action will be taken as soon as possible = Nothing will ever be done.
Urgent action will be taken in the very near future = Nothing will be done until hell freezes over.
I fully appreciate the problem = I couldn’t care less.
I have every sympathy with your point of view = I’ve already forgotten your existence.
You are fully entitled to make your views known = Nobody here takes the blindest bit of notice.
Your complaint is being fully investigated = Your letters have been filed in the wastepaper basket.
Your complaint appears to have some validity, and will be thoroughly investigated = Your letters were torn into small squares before being dropped in the wastepaper basket.
I will refer the matter to the appropriate department = Your letters have been shredded, your computer file has been deleted and all future correspondence will go straight into the wastepaper basket unopened.
A full and detailed reply will be sent to you in the near future = You’ll never hear another word from us.
The possibility of an administrative/computer error is being investigated = Life in this office is one foul‑up after another, but you’ll never get us to admit it.
You will appreciate the complex nature of this matter = I just can’t be bothered to think about it.
The increase in our charges is, regrettably, unavoidable = You are going to pay for my bonus.
This department endeavours to process all matters outstanding with the minimum of delay = I’m playing golf this afternoon.
I will be delighted to see you to discuss the matter at your convenience = Just try getting past my secretary.
I do not really feel that any useful purpose is to be served in pursuing this matter further = Get stuffed.
May I assure you of our attention and consideration at all times =  Go and boil your head. And then  get stuffed.
Plods on parade
Beat a bobby: The simplest way to annoy an officer
Beat a bobby: The simplest way to annoy an officer
Special care must be taken with PC Twitmarsh.
The police do a splendid job, on the whole, but most police constables go through a difficult stage, a sort of puberty, usually after being passed over for their sergeant’s stripes for the first time.
They look for someone to take out their frustrations upon, and the most convenient victim is invariably a motorist.
Drunken, incompetent and reckless drivers deserve no sympathy. The menace of PC Twitmarsh is that he’s out to catch the motorist who is doing a few miles per hour too many on a safely deserted road.
When he pulls you over, he will adopt one of two personae: Good Twitmarsh and Bad Twitmarsh.
GT is affable, charming, even apologetic. He’ll say: “I’m sorry to trouble you, sir, but were you aware that this is a 30mph area and you, in fact, were doing 34mph?”
BT is intimidating, blustering, even rude: “Who do we think we are, James Bond? Been drinking, have you? Martinis, was it? Come on, licence and insurance, let’s be seeing them.”
In both cases, the end result is the same — a fine and the risk of losing your licence.
About traffic wardens I will not write here, in view of the laws regulating the use of obscene language. Suffice to say that these wretched creatures, sub-human and depraved, are the worst of all manifestations of modern civilisation. Let’s leave it at that.
Plan your attack
A good opening gambit is to write to the planning officer, putting forward some constructive comments about the local one-way system. Make them just sane enough to be taken seriously.
You will probably get a rational reply, and before Twitmarsh knows it he will be embroiled in a long and quite futile correspondence.
You could suggest, for instance, an elaborate underpass below a level crossing, and a flyover to replace the mini roundabout.
Extra marks if you can induce the planning department to enter into a discussion on the feasibility of introducing trams into a pedestrianised area. Or a monorail. Planners can never see the farcical element in monorails.
When the correspondence is well under way, leak it to the local paper. Use an assumed name, such as Mrs U. Rynall. Nothing is more calculated to make a pompous Twitmarsh grind his teeth in rage.
Troublesome priests
Stock phrases, all of which I have tried with degrees of success, when confronted by a missionary from some sect or other on my doorstep:
1. ‘I’m sorry, I’m a druid. And I’m a busy druid. I have a sacrifice to perform. Good afternoon.’
2. ‘No, I haven’t looked at the Bible lately. I really don’t have time to be delving into science fiction.’
3. ‘I happen to know that my friend Dr Alonzo Schmidt is very keen to talk to someone like you. A very probable convert, I should say. You must visit him. He lives at 52 Mulberry St…(and then name some town at least six miles away).’
There probably won’t be a Mulberry Street, and there certainly won’t be a Dr Alonzo Schmidt.
© Patrick Moore.